It's A Cold and It's A Broken Hallelujah
by dr pepper upper
Summary: Her face is my face. Her emotions are my emotions. We’re the same. We’re connected. Without every saying a word, we know each other and I have never hated her so much in my life." Stuck in a love pentagon. Kurt/Rachel/Finn/Quinn/Puck angst
1. Kurt

**AN: Hey people. First Glee fic, and yes it's in Kurt's POV. Angst included. It was weird to write, and I don't exactly know what I was going for, but here it is so I hope you enjoy. Or not enjoy. I'm debating on continuing this to Rachel's POV and then Finn's or something. If I get enough positive feedback, I might just do that. But for now, happy reading. :]**

* * *

_Help._

I'm dying.

_Help me._

I'm drowning.

_Help me._

I'm breaking.

_Help me._

I need you.

_Help me._

I need _someone._ I'm too proud to say it out loud, but in the safety of my own mind, I'm shouting it. I'm standing in the crowded hallway, being the jetty in sea of students. I'm being beat against, I'm jostled around and I'm being bumped. I can't bring myself to stare at them and make a snide comment, like I usually do. I can't do any of that, because of you.

_Help me._

I can only see you. You're walking down the hallway too, just another wave to erode me and not even care.

_Help me._

The diva was right. I'll always be last because I'm not_ her_. I'm Kurt Hummel. I'm not blond; I'm not carrying your baby.

_Help me._

I'm a guy. That's what is holding me back. Rachel was right when she said that she'd always be ahead of me because she's a _girl_.

_I'm dying._

The pain is staggering as I watch you and the ex-cheerio walk towards me, brushing past like I'm not even there, like Mr. Cellophane. You don't know how much I want to be her. No one would understand. If I tried to explain this to anyone, I'd get a one-way ticket into the dumpster, something I was glad to be avoiding since the football players joined the Glee club, not since _I_ joined the football team.

_I'm drowning._

I did that for _you_. Not just for me, not just for my dad. It was always you. It will always be you. God help me, everything I do has something to do with you. You're so blind; you don't even see it. If you do, then I have to thank you. You haven't set the football team on me if you know. I haven't lost my precious manhood. Yet. I think you have a clue because when I asked for your help, the _first_ thing you said was something to do about my sexuality.

_I'm breaking._

I liked being able to get closer to you. When we practiced for my football audition, I was in bliss. I loved it when you picked me up and put me on your shoulders when I won the game. I did it for you. I did it for my dad. I didn't ever do it for me. It was _never_ about me. I was happy that you came back to Glee. I took that slushy for you. _For_ _you._ Yet, you just walked away, though I like to think I had something to do with your decision to come back. The Glee club needed you. Mr. Shue needed you. _I needed you._

_I need you!_

You're walking out now and my eyes are following you like they always have done. I can feel myself begin to tremble, clutching my messenger back to my chest for comfort as I watched Quinn lean into you. I watched you place a tender kiss on her blond head and I was green with envy. _I_ wanted to be the one you looked at like that. _I _love you. Why can't _I _have the happy ending for once?

I know now that the gay guy never gets the happy ending. Well, at least Kurt Hummel didn't. I also knew I never would. Not with you, at least. You were my hope for a happy ending. You were all I ever wanted really. Except for my clothes, of course. Even Finn Hudson couldn't get me to change the way I dress, not if he… No. I won't follow that train of thought. All I want is to be happy and I haven't been truly happy in a few weeks.

_I am a terrible person._

I wanted to push Quinn off a cliff just then. I deliberately humiliated Rachel in front of a guy she might _actually_ have a shot with. I mean… I'm not blind. I can see the chemistry between you and Rachel when you sing. I'm not _that_ naïve; I just like to pretend it isn't really there. She needed a wake-up call more than I did, and I gave it to her the way I saw fit.

_Help me…_

I have to turn away now because you're gone and probably driving Quinn to your house. I feel eyes on me and I turn in the opposite direction I had been looking in. I meet hurt-filled brown eyes and we just stare at each other.

_She's dying._

I can see her. Rachel looks like I feel. I can see her eyes brimming with wetness, trying not to blink and let the tears fall. She's stronger than I am, than I could ever be. I can feel the tears slipping down my perfectly made up cheeks and she just stares back at me. Should I be feeling guilty? I'm not. She needed that wake up call. She did. I am not going to feel guilty for _her_ of all people, she who has a better chance than_ me_.

_She's drowning._

She loves you, too. I can see that written all over her face, as I'm sure she can see on mine. We're the same. We're too similar. That's why we don't get along and never will. We love the same guy and we have the same ambitions. We even have the same _vocal_ range. While I obviously win in the fashion department, other than that we're completely similar. Neither of us has a mother. We have loving fathers. We have it all, but we're not satisfied. We never will be.

_She's breaking._

Rachel's self control is slipping when she sees that mine is completely gone. We even have the same emotions. How messed up is that? I feel like I need to do something. I feel like I need to sneer at her and strut away like I normally do, but I can't. Something is twisting inside of my chest, causing me unbearable pain and I can't do anything except stare at her face. Her face is my face. Her emotions are my emotions. We're the same. We're connected. Without ever saying a word, we _know_ each other and I have never hated her so much in my life. Yet I couldn't hate her. We were in an awkward position and neither of us knew which limb to untangle first.

_She needs you._

The only difference is that she has a chance of her happy ending coming true and I don't. She's Rachel Berry, perky as a squirrel on crack and bouncing back better than one of those super-duper-bouncy-balls. I couldn't do that because I _know_ there's hope for her and none for me.

_Help her._

She raises her hand in a small wave and I see a little tear escape her watery eyes and begin its lonely descent down her cheek. Her mascara was going to run. Leave it to Berry to obviously not buy the waterproof mascara even when she's used to getting liquid thrown in her face almost weekly.

_Help me._

I raise my hand and wiggle my fingers at her, trying to smile through the tears that blur my vision. I stare at her, my twin, my other half for a moment longer before separating myself finally. I looked to the floor, breathed deeply and looked up again. Without looking back, I stride away from her, shoulders squared and messenger bag still clutched tightly to myself. There are no glances thrown my way. I am invisible, just like her. She's probably doing the same thing right now. I have never felt more connected to one person. It's almost like I can feel what she's feeling.

_I'm dying._

We're like twins.

_She's dying._

I just need to make it through that door and I'll be able to escape…

_I'm drowning._

I should just give up now. There is no hope for my designer clothes and me.

_She's drowning_.

We're not different at all. I just dress better than her.

_I'm breaking._

I'm sure my tears are running at the same speed as hers.

_She's breaking_.

Why do we get stuck with all the pain? Why can't we be happy for once?

_I need you._

We're so dependent on one person; one person who will never love us back because you've got the golden girl.

_She needs you._

She's still ahead of me, though. I'm a guy; I'll always be last. We're always last together.

_Help._

We.

_Help me._

Are.

_Help her._

Last.

_Help… Us._


	2. Rachel

**AN: Hey everyone. :] I had another idea for this fic, so I'm rolling with it. I'll be attempting to do other little oneshots in Finn's, Quinn's, and Puck's POV. It's Rachel's POV here. Again, this is just coming off the top of my head so excuse any grammar slip-ups or something. Hope you enjoy! :] 3**

* * *

_Why?_

I love him.

_Why me?_

I'm invisible.

_Why me?_

I'm a freak.

_Why me?_

I'm hurt.

_Why me?_

Okay, so I _know_ you hate me. I love him and you love him and now we both know we'll be the second best. That's a hard pill to swallow, you know. I'm _Rachel Berry_. I'm used to getting everything I want and_ yes_, I know that makes me a spoiled brat. I can't help it. You understand. You _know_.

_Why me?_

I don't understand what I did wrong. What made you hate me like you do?

_Why me?_

I knew I loved him from the moment I heard him sing. When we sang together… Oh, it was like the heavens joined together to burst in angelic music. At least, that's what I like to think. Mr. Shue always clapped heartily and praised us, and that was all I needed to know. Our voices are perfect together. _We'd_ be perfect together and I know it. We won't get that chance. He has _her_.

_Why me?_

I thought you were being friendly. I thought I was actually making progress with someone! I tried so hard to be, as you so eloquently put it, un-diva-ish. I only wanted a chance… I never had a real friend before, not really. I was willing to put away my pride, so I accepted when you offered me a makeover. I should have seen it coming. I should have picked up on it. I should have looked at you, and then I would have seen the longing gazes you fixed on him. They mirrored my own.

_I love him._

You. Humiliated. Me. I don't know why you did it, and I don't think you'd ever tell me. Knowing your own diva attitude, you'd just shrug me off and strut away. I hate you. I have never hated someone before, but I _know_ I hate you and I will never forgive you for this. I sobbed for an hour or two when Finn Hudson turned my advances away with a choppy and confused explanation.

_I'm invisible._

I cried even longer when I realized what you had done.

_I'm a freak._

I'm watching as Finn and Quinn (oh God, their names rhyme. Shoot me now) walk together, heading outside of the school. His arm is wrapped around her shoulder, and her arm is wrapped around his middle. I have never felt so strong a surge of jealousy and rage, but it dissipated when I see you. You are standing in the opposite end of the hallway, watching the power couple as well. The jealousy leaves but the rage is still there and I stare holes into your back, shaking with suppressed emotion. I am a star and stars don't break down in the middle of crowded school hallways.

_I'm hurt._

You turn and lock eyes with me. I hope you can see how hurt I am. I hope you can see how much I hate you right now. With some kind of perverted happiness, I relish the fact that _you're_ the one breaking down. My own vision is horribly blurry and I can't blink because then I would lose it too. I am Rachel Berry. I _always_ win, except with Finn Hudson. Even if we magically get together one day, it'll be because Quinn left him. I'm always second to Quinn. I won't pretend it doesn't tear me apart, because it does. But you... You're last in this. You will always _be_ last because you are Kurt Hummel.

_You love him._

I can't say I was completely shocked upon having my epiphany that _you_ were in love with him, too. It was more because I actually thought I could have a friend for once. For a few hours, you were someone who was willing to help me out and get me to feel better about myself. You did that for a little while. But… I will always be the diva that everybody hates. I will always have the most talent, but that comes at a high price. I'll always have the most talent, but I'll always be alone. People hate me because I'm confident about myself. You hate me because I'm me. You hate me because I love him. You love him. _She_ gets him.

_You're invisible._

I pointed out to you that day that we were quite similar. I knew you could hit the high F. I heard you practicing before our diva-off. I knew you blew the note, I just didn't know why. I tried breaching the subject when you were at my house, giving me that _stupid_ makeover. You just snorted, shrugged and made me sit up straighter so that you could adjust me some more in your master plan. You _know_ we're similar. I can see it as you stare at me. Your tears are flowing freely and my own defenses are breaking as well. I'm hurt because of Finn, Quinn, and you. You are looking at me like you want to either hit me or hug me or just walk away. I'm not sure what I want you to do.

_You're a freak._

You're _gay_. You're a boy who likes boys. We both know that makes you last, we both know that I'm ahead of you, like I said. I have some hope left because I'm a girl. Finn doesn't do boys. You really are just a freak to me, to everyone. I'm sure there are gay guys in this school. I don't understand why you have to go after the one guy _I'm_ in love with. It sounds childish to myself; I'm acting like Finn is a toy and I just want to keep him to myself when in reality he's _not_ mine. We're sharing the same emotions and I know that makes you angry. You're unique and you pride yourself on that fact. That's why you didn't answer me. You _knew_ we are practically the same person. You can see it now. Our personalities, expressions, and feelings are one. It must make you want to scream because you're not so unique anymore.

_You're hurt._

You're just standing there like I am, being jostled by everyone walking by you. I want someone to push you to the ground. I want you to feel like you've made me feel. Crushed. Trampled. _Hurt_. I don't know how long we've been staring at each other. My eyes are beginning to ache now that I haven't blinked them in a long time. I take a deep breath, blink and raise my hand in a small, weak wave. I feel a tear trickling down my face as I do it. I see you almost flinch and I know what you're thinking. You hurt me and you destroyed my self-confidence. Why am I waving? Why am I attempting to smile?

_I hate you._

Because I can't hate you. No matter what I do, no matter what you do, I can't hate you. You know how I feel and that makes me understand you. I'm not like you. You're the terrible person, not me. I only wanted your friendship and you betrayed me without thinking twice.

_I hate you._

You wiggle your fingers at me and then take off. I do the same thing, turning on my heel and walking away, away from you, away from him and away from _her_, away from everything. I always run away. It's my thing. I can almost feel you from across the school. Your footsteps, I like to believe, are in synch with mine. I like to pretend this because I know it's true. You know it too, and I can't help but smirk as the tears begin their cascade down my face

_I hate you!_

I feel like screaming but I wait until I get home, in the safety of my own room. I bury my face into my pillow and scream out my troubles as to not alarm the neighbors. I am sobbing and crying and am so utterly pathetic that it disgusts me. I'm glad my dads aren't home. I don't think I could stand to let them see me in this state. I bet Finn and Quinn are cuddled up, talking about the baby. I bet they're as happy as can be. I feel like ripping my heart out and just throwing it at the wall because I feel like it would ease the pain. Did Artie go through this much pain when he became crippled? It sure feels like this kind of pain would cripple anyone. His pain was probably worse. At least I'll be able to get up and walk around after this is over. I feel like a terrible person for getting Artie into my thoughts.

_Why me?_

My cell phone goes off while I'm in the middle of my tantrum. I stop suddenly, grab my phone and answer it.

_Why me?_

"Yeah?" I wait for the person on the other line to say something. It's obvious I'm upset. Am I still screaming and crying? I hope not.

"Yeah…"

_I hate you._

I can't believe you called. What, do you feel the need to torture me some more?

_Why me?_

"I hate you."

_I do. I hate you. So much._

"I know." You've been doing the same thing as me. You've been crying too. I can hear it. We're the same and I knew it.

_We're hurt._

There is no more talking after that, but neither of us hangs up the phone. The only sound is our ragged breathing, though that slowly turns into more peaceful breathing as the pain and anger wear away and give way exhausted slumber.

_We need each other._

I wake up the next morning and the call still wasn't terminated. I ended it and groan because leaving my phone on all night was the worst thing possible. I hear the doorbell ringing from downstairs and just wait for my fathers to answer it. I almost fall asleep again after some more crying when my door slowly opens. I expect my fathers so I quickly turn on my side and pretend to sleep. Just when I think they're gone, I turn back around, open my eyes, and there you are. Just standing there. Your eyes are red and puffy just like mine and we lock eyes again, just like yesterday. I look down at the metal case in your hand, displaying a variety of makeup and a few CDs crammed in there. I turn my hurt filled, questioning eyes on you and I want to scream at you. You beat me to it.

_I hate you._

"You need me." I want to scream even more, but I can find no voice. I throw the covers off of me and stand up. We're in a staring match again and this time you're winning. The tears are running down _my_ cheeks. "We are going to march into school with our heads held high, Berry. We need to do this." I know what you're saying. You're saying we need to be strong and we need to do this together. I don't want to trust you. I want you to get out of my house and never speak to me again.

_I hate you._

Instead, I'm wrapped up in your arms and we just stand there, our connection glowing brighter and stronger than ever before because we both know this is okay. We may never be friends, but we're in the same position and no one else will get it.

"I hate you, Kurt Hummel," I mumble into your shoulder as we both begin sob again. We're pathetic. I hate us. You hate us. I'm a diva and you're gay. We're too similar and that's why we need each other right now. We will hate each other tomorrow at school, I'm sure. I just can't bring myself to hate you right now.

_I need this._


	3. Finn

**Hey hey everyone! I'm back with another installment of the little story that is this… Story. This is from Finn's POV, of course. I have to admit, I don't think I did such a good job with him. I mean, his thoughts are so simple and I had to use the words 'sometimes' and 'like' a lot for him. Quinn's chapter should be up tomorrow. It'll be… Difficult to write. I'll do my best, though. Enjoy! :]**

* * *

_I'm trying._

I'm confused.

_I'm trying._

I don't understand.

_I'm trying._

I love you.

_I'm trying._

I need you.

_I'm trying._

It's going to be okay. I promise. I'm here. I'm going to protect you. I mean… I'm going to do the very best I can. I know that's not much, I know it might not be quite enough, but I'm going to try. I love you. I always have. Don't you know that by now? I've stuck with you and I'm planning to see you through this. I'm sharing my house with you. You're my girlfriend. I love you.

_I'm trying._

I may not know much, but I know that love is the best thing to feel right now. So when I see you walk up to be with that heartbreaking smile, I know I can't resist you. "Let's be in love again." It's a simple request and even though I don't say anything, you know what I'm thinking. I never stopped. You're at the top of my list. We're Quinn and Finn. Our names rhyme and we are… _Were_ the power couple of the school. It goes deeper than that now. You're carrying my baby and I love her already. I know you're planning to put her up for adoption, but I love her. I sang to that picture on my computer of her.

_I'm trying!_

I know I'm not the smartest guy. You've pointed that out to me a lot of times. You constantly make fun of my struggle to say more than five syllable words. I'm a jock, what do you expect? I'll admit it; sometimes I get really fed up with it. I mean, I'm doing the best I can here! What else do you _want_ from me? We're still together, though. Yeah, sometimes I wish none of this had happened. On a bad day, I even wished I never met you. But at the end of the day, you're my girlfriend, you're carrying my baby and I love you both.

_I'm trying._

I'm still not as stupid as everyone thinks. I see stuff. I notice stuff, I really do. I notice stuff that you probably would smack me over the head for seeing. I see the way Rachel looks at me. I don't pretend not to. She's made her feelings very, uh, clear. She seems to think I've been feeling the same and I don't know how to tell her to back off a little bit. I'm not good with words. You of all people know that. After all, I was the one who sung you to disownment. Of course, the singing was Kurt's idea. Kurt… He's the other thing I notice. He's gayer than a rainbow pantsuit, which I _know_ he'd never be caught dead in. I mean, he makes it kind of obvious that he likes me. He made it quite clear when his ballad to sing to me was "I Honestly Love You". I've never heard that song before. I'm kind of glad he never got to sing it. I wouldn't have known what to do afterward…

_I'm confused._

You worry about me. I can see it when I admit that I went to Rachel's house. I'm glad you believed me when I said that nothing happened. I'm glad you can trust me. "I love you." I'm hugging you now, tight enough to make you feel like I'm never going to let go but gentle so that I don't hurt the baby. I want you to know I love you. I don't want you to know that I'm confused. I love you, but as Rachel has so bluntly put it, I have feelings for her, too. I almost feel bad because I'm sure she knows that she'll always be second to you. Rachel confuses me. Kurt confuses me. You confuse me. My own best friend, Puck, confuses me.

_I don't understand._

Just a while ago, he basically jumped me. I don't really remember what we were fighting about. Probably something about football… He ended up punching me in the jaw and I was hurt. I mean, of _course_ I was hurt… But I mean… Not just my face was hurting. I was like, emotionally hurting. I didn't understand why my own best friend would do that to me. My life has been flipping upside down and back again and I'm only just starting to get a grip on it. Now I feel like it's going out of control again. Especially since Rachel started to change for me. I don't know what triggered… _That… _Maybe I just really don't want to know. I'm feeling confused again so I just hold on tighter to you as you whisper back to me. "I love you too."

_I love you._

You sound like you're about to cry. I don't know why, but I know I don't want you to so I'm now focused on getting the hell out of there. I smile at you encouragingly. You find that "endearing". Or whatever. It works, because you smile back at me. I just want us to be okay. I'm not saying I'm scared 'cause I'm _not_. I'm just worried. I've never had much of a future, really. It _worries_ me to think about this future, the future coming up in a few months when you have the baby. I don't know what I want to happen. I already love the kid. I'm not sure if that's okay or not. I won't talk to you about it, 'cause I know you hate it when I try to talk about the baby. I still haven't figured out _why_ you hate it, though.

_I need you._

You can't do this without me. You've told me that. You said that the night I asked my mom to let you live with us. You were sobbing and I wanted to go over to your house and punch your dad. Then I wanted to go over to Kurt's and punch _him_ for suggesting something like that. What was I going to do after that? I don't know. Punch a wall or something. Sure, you need me. I need you, too. Without you, I think my world would be even more confusing than it already is. You're always here to patiently explain something to me (if you're having a good day and not being, you know, all hormonal or something).

_You're confused._

Like I said before, I'm not completely dumb. I notice things. I noticed that you were pushing me away this week. I guess you just needed a bit of time away from me. You were talking to Puck more than me and I couldn't help but wonder why. I thought about following you but I'm so tall and awkward wherever I am (yet another thing you continue to point out) that I'm sure you would notice me. So I waited and got distracted by Rachel Berry instead. You've told me to stay away from her. I have, for the most part. You were confused this week. I'm glad you came back, though. I really am glad. Really.

_You don't understand._

You and I both think life is unfair right now, for different reasons. You've been kicked out of your own home. You've got a little person growing inside of your belly. I think life is unfair because I'm stuck in this position. I'm just a kid! I want to play football, not baby-sit. I want to sing, not to change diapers. I shudder at the thought and you grip my waist tighter, as if you can read my thoughts. I bet you can. My thoughts aren't hard to guess. I've told you again and again that I'll be there for you. I will, I swear I will. I just don't see how it's fair that we're stuck like this. You yell at me every single day and then yell some more when you find out I've gone to Rachel or someone else for some comfort. Our lives are not perfect right now. We both know that. We're both suffering. You don't understand why. _I_ don't understand why. We're clueless.

_Do you love me?_

You said you did, yeah. Do you really? Or am I just convenient enough for you to lean on? I know it sounds bad and I know I shouldn't be thinking this but I have to wonder if you actually want me around or if you just need somewhere to sleep and money. You yell at me. You say that I'm an idiot. You call me demeaning things when you _know_ I'm only trying to help… It hurts a lot. You blame it on the pregnancy. I'm just confused. As we walk out of the school, I notice three pairs of eyes on our backs. I don't feel like turning around to see who is staring.

_You need me._

I know you need me and I know I'm more than willing to be there for you, no matter how stupid that is. Without me, you'd be homeless and struggling with the doctor bills and everything. You seem happy with me, like right now as we're lying on my bed. We're not talking, just lying there. Your head is on my chest and I can feel the wetness beginning to soak into my shirt. You're crying. I don't know why you're crying, but you are. I gather my arms around you, tighter than before and the dam breaks. "I love you." I hear you say with more strength than last time. I don't know why you're saying it again. I don't understand.

_I'm confused._

"I love you too. I'm here," I'm trying to get you to calm down. "Is there something wrong with the baby?" I don't know why, but I panic. What if something _is_ wrong? My daughter… Is she okay? My heart rate is speeding up and I find myself thinking that I will lose it if something is wrong. You look up at me, though, and I can see a little smile on your face and it calms me down a little bit. It still doesn't explain why you're crying.

_You need me._

You're reaching for my hand and when you take it, you drag it down to your stomach. I don't talk. I know you don't want me to. Instead, I keep my hand there, pressed gently on the small bulge. _That's where my daughter is._ I don't even realize it, but I'm starting to cry too, which is really unmanly. You're wiping my tears away, though, and as you do, we both feel a little kick from your belly. You smile a little wider and I _know_ my eyes are as big as dishes. Not the small dishes, the huge ones. Like, the ones that can hold a turkey and have room to spare. "That…" I can hardly speak. I don't know if this is a good feeling or a bad feeling. I think I'm smiling. I think you are too.

"That was our little Drizzle." I'm definitely smiling now and you hug onto me like I'm your lifeline. I am. I don't move my hand away; I don't really want to. I feel a few more movements and you're fast asleep on my now-tingling arm and even though it's like… _Really_ bothering me, I'm not about to move because I don't want you to wake up.

_It's gonna be okay._

For right now, we're a little family. There is no Rachel, no Kurt and definitely no Puck. I'm not as confused as I was before. You and Drizzle are my little family and we can make it through because I'm going to be the best person I can be for you. I hope you realize that. I hope you love me for it. All I've ever wanted was to be loved. Now that I think I've got it, I don't want to give it away. But I don't know any better. I don't know what love is… Do _you?_

_We're gonna be okay._

"I wonder if we have any Sour Patch Kids…"


End file.
